


Colander

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: PRE-WRITTEN, Pre-Canon Sibling Encounters [63]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Emetophobia, Feels, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Good Sibling Ben Hargreeves, Good Sibling Diego Hargreeves, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, Pre-Canon, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26904367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: “You need to go to the hospital.” the EMT repeated patiently to Klaus. “I’m not going to the hospi-“ Diego threw another spoon at his face, irritated he was going to have to pick them up later. Klaus glanced up to glower at him, but fiercely jumped at the nothingness to Diego’s side.”Jesus Diego, he looks like a goddamn colander!” Klaus exclaimed, violently disgusted by the sheer amount of stab wounds in this ghost.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: PRE-WRITTEN, Pre-Canon Sibling Encounters [63]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869709
Comments: 7
Kudos: 94





	Colander

**Author's Note:**

> Similar to the Vanya one from the other day, so another **emetophobia warning** since Klaus can’t see ghosts unless he’s in withdrawal lmao.

Catching his brother’s head just before it collided with the table, Diego was quietly proud of his catlike reflexes. It was badass. Shoving Klaus’ head back up, Diego considered that it would’ve been kind of funny to have witnessed him crash his face into the wood. His vanity could do with being knocked down a peg or two. “G’off me.” Klaus groaned groggily, attempting to shuffle away from Diego but just nearly falling off the chair instead. Diego swiftly caught him once again, wishing his impressive skills could’ve had an action replay. “Couch.” he bluntly grunted to Klaus as though his brother were an animal, since he acted like one. Klaus mumbled something unintelligibly and rose from his seat, wobbling over sideways like he was on a boat in stormy seas.

“You know I’m not _actually_ your big brother, right?” Diego passive aggressively grumbled, steadying the idiot and steering him towards the couch. He better not goddamn puke on it. Diego would probably have to get a hazmat suit. He might even have to burn the entire apartment down, maybe the whole building. They were both completely aware that Diego was for all intents and purposes the big brother, and he always would be. The numbers system was imposible to shake. Diego only had Allison, Klaus, and Vanya left to be a big brother to... three out of five. He wasn’t doing a great job with looking out for any of the remaining _”younger”_ siblings. Diego still blamed himself for losing their other two brothers... especially Ben. Allison didn’t want his help, she could get help from anyone in the world thanks to her power. Klaus was impossible to help, and frankly, Diego had no idea how to help Vanya in the slightest. It was tiring repeatedly trying to support Klaus and having it thrown back in his face every time. “Will y’shut up?!” Klaus angrily slurred at nothing, though it took Diego a moment to make out what he was saying. He sauntered to his room to get changed, not wanting to know what imaginary argument was unfolding in his brother’s melted mind.

Ben threw his head back with furious frustration, aggravated by both of his brothers for different reasons. “Just tell him!” Ben yelled at Klaus, growing more stressed by the second. It was maddening that Ben couldn’t wander over and inform Diego himself that Klaus was clearly overdosing. How the hell could Diego not realise?! Klaus drawled some kind of incomprehensible dismissive remark, clearly not sharing the belief that he was without a doubt ODing. Although Ben knew he couldn’t actually speak to Diego, he would ordinarily go and anxiously stare at people in the hopes it somehow would ignite some kind of intuition. Right now though, Ben was dead against that idea - since he’d heard his brother’s dresser draws. He’d accidentally seen Klaus undressed enough times, Ben didn’t want to be scarred even further. “ _Please_.” Ben pleaded, though he knew Klaus was too drowsy to see to reason. His brother absently stared into space, looking about as dead as Ben actually was. Both of his brothers were so fucking _stupid_.

Unfortunately entering back into the room his brother was in, Diego raised a confused eyebrow at the blue tinge to Klaus’ lips. “You cold?” he grunted uncertainly, wondering how he could possibly be such a thing in eighty degree heat. Especially in this apartment that had no AC. Sometimes Diego got so hot in here that he’d have to stick his head out of the window, like a dog on a car ride. Klaus neglected to respond, which caused Diego to grow slightly unnerved. Normally he wouldn’t shut the fuck up, even when he was this drugged up. Silence from him was always eery. “Klaus?” he tentatively stepped over, like his brother was going to suddenly turn into a rabid dog. That would probably be easier to deal with, Diego thought. At least he could stab Cujo. It was hard to actually tell whether Klaus was breathing or not.

Plonking himself onto the couch next to Klaus with exasperation, Ben threw his head in his hands. His brothers needed goddamn adult supervision when they were together, despite them both being fully grown adults. Diego flicked Klaus in the head like an imbecile, which roused no reaction. He reluctantly felt for Klaus’ pulse on his wrist and shuffled his hand around for a few moments with a deep frown. Although Ben was incredibly highly strung right now, it was hard not to snicker at Diego intensely cringing as he felt for Klaus’ pulse on his neck - clearly still traumatised from their brother unsolicitedly telling him he liked being choked. Ben thought Diego should consider himself lucky to only know that much. Their elder brother removed his hand and narrowed his eyes at Klaus, obviously still taking his sweet time to put together what was happening. Klaus’ breathing was drawing progressively slower, causing Ben’s own breathing to become rapidly faster - even though he had no lungs. The gurgling sound Ben had unfortunately grown to know well began, and he hoped Diego wouldn’t punch Klaus for the inevitable vomiting. On second thought, perhaps Ben hoped he would...

—

Being brought back from the brink of death was one of the few times people couldn’t accuse Klaus of being melodramatic. Where the hell was he? Dragging himself to sitting, Klaus spluttered chestily, receiving several whacks on the back from the EMT. He must’ve choked on his own vomit again. That was always gross, but Klaus was still sexy. Hearing a gurgling noise, he felt utterly disorientated - since it obviously wasn’t coming from him anymore. Blearily looking around the room, Klaus realised he was in Diego’s apartment. _Shit_. This was the worst possible place to be right now.

Glaring at his brother, Diego was trying to decide whether he was more relieved or enraged. Not only did he vomit on the goddamn couch, he also vomited on the floor when he was put in the recovery position. How the hell was he going to get it out of the fabric? Diego shook his head to himself, realising he should be more angry about his brother nearly killing himself rather than his upholstery. Klaus scrunched his eyes closed and shoved his hands over his ears, which was ridiculous since the only noise was the beeping of the various machines the EMT was using to assess his vitals. “You need to go to the hospital.” the guy stated, peering at the readings. His brother obviously didn’t hear, so Diego threw a spoon at his face. He nervously peeled one eye open and removed a hand from his ear. “You need to go to the hospital.” the EMT repeated patiently. “I’m not going to the fucking hospi-“ Diego threw another spoon at his face, irritated he was going to have to pick them up later. Klaus glanced up to glower at him in return, but fiercely jumped in fear at the nothingness to Diego’s side.

”Jesus Diego, he looks like a goddamn colander!” Klaus croakily exclaimed, violently disgusted by the sheer amount of stab wounds in this man. Alarmingly, he wasn’t even the ghost making the gurgling noise. A noise Klaus knew very well. A slit throat. Dad was quite fond of Diego doing that to particularly heinous bad guys, which was ironic since Reginald was a monster himself. His living brother awkwardly followed Klaus’ gaze and rolled his eyes when he obviously saw nothing. Lucky bastard. Entrails were always especially revolting and terrifying. Klaus shut his eyes again, feeling too physically fucked up to deal with his brother’s little enemy club. He needed drugs. It was literally all he could think about, even more overbearing than the petrifying dead. Klaus had the distinct feeling he’d puke pills back up again just yet, which would be an unacceptable waste. “Is he delirious?” Diego asked the EMT, sounding like a mixture of bewildered and disgruntled. Klaus felt like those were the only two emotions his brother was capable of.

The EMT casually looked over his shoulder to Diego. “Maybe, since he’s in withdrawal. He really needs to get checked out b-“ Diego barely resisted throwing a spoon at this man too, though he begrudgingly decided to use his words instead. He only had two spoons anyway. _“Withdrawal?!”_ Diego incredulously repeated, astounded that he was a qualified EMT with this level of stupidity. “He’s so high that he goddamn overdosed!” he grunted. The guy sighed impatiently, putting his attention back to the shivering and sniffling idiot. “The antidote reverses the effects of the _drugs_ , not just the overdose.” he tiredly explained. Diego tuned out the rest of his droning, too occupied by feeling his blood run ice cold. He dropped the knife he’d been twiddling with in shock, almost cutting his toes off. That would’ve been embarrassing. Like a pilot getting travel sickness. Or a medium being afraid of ghosts.

Diego had grown blissfully ignorant, forgetting Klaus even saw ghosts to begin with after all this time powerless. The closest his brother got to ghosts most of the time was the supposed _“Ben”_ he’d insufferably natter to. When Klaus would turn up in a mess pathetically begging for money, he’d always hurry away before he could see the ghosts. Diego sought solace in that, knowing his brother’s whining always had a time limit. Why the hell he didn’t just banish them, Diego didn’t know. He sure as shit wasn’t going to raise that question to Klaus though, and risk his whining and pleading becoming incessant. The knowledge that he had a scornful haunter beside him was making Diego’s hair stand on end. “I get it, he killed you assholes!” Klaus breathlessly yelled, throwing a trembling **GOODBYE** up and infuriately rotating it throughout the room. “There’s m-more than o-o-one?!” Diego spluttered. The EMT looked back over to Diego with concerned puzzlement. Diego gave him a pointed glare, prompting the man to worriedly face Klaus again.

How did they still not understand how Klaus’ goddamn curse worked?! “Of course there’s more than one!” Klaus chuckled with disbelief, causing him to hack a ghastly cough. The EMT shoved an oxygen mask on his face, which Klaus promptly tore off. They were unspeakably ugly. “You need to come wi-“ the guy began to utter before Diego interrupted him with “B-banish them!” demandingly. Klaus huskily laughed with years of resentment. “Why do you guys think I can do that?!” he groaned wearily, pulling himself upright to get the hell away from Diego’s vicinity. “I’m not... going to the fucking... hospital!” Klaus coughed to the EMT, anticipating his nagging. This one always nagged so much, he was almost as bad as Ben. The hospital would be even more crowded with the gruesome dead than this place. Standing up didn’t help matters, making Klaus feel drastically more out of breath and dizzy. He felt like he was drowning. “Okay fine, maybe I’ll go to the hospital.” he regretfully agreed, hastily putting pills in his mouth before anyone could stop him. The EMT huffed, unimpressed by that move.

Feeling much too thrown by Klaus’ comment to rebuke him for immediately rushing to get high again, Diego just stood in silence. Watching his brother be assisted out of the apartment, Diego tried to get words to leave his mouth. “You ca-can’t banish them?!” he questioned with overwhelming bemusement, catching up behind them. His brother was breathing like a ninety year old with late stage COPD. “Can we maybe-“ the EMT shoved the mask back on Klaus’ face, causing him to harshly scowl in return and irately yank it off again. “-have this joyous discussion at a later date?” Klaus sarcastically suggested, narrowing his eyes further at the EMT when he grumpily pulled the mask back up for him.

Diego nodded, too baffled to do much else. He knew they definitely weren’t going to talk about it ever again. His brother looked over at him to force a smile, but dramatically grimaced and hurriedly turned away again. Diego’s skin crawled, even though he highly doubted the ghosts were as terrifying as his drama queen brother claimed. “Sorry about your couch.” Klaus giggled hoarsely, grouchily dragging the mask back down. The EMT sighed deeply and reached for the mask. “I swear to fucking _god_ Antony, if you pull it up again, I’m not getting on the ambulance!” his brother vehemently hissed, looking on the verge of punching the man. Diego rolled his eyes, already plotting his revenge for his vomit coated apartment.

Stepping around the other ghosts, Ben sauntered behind his seance brother. He wished Klaus would even attempt coping with his power in another way, the ghosts quite clearly showed themselves more when he was stressed. Maybe they wouldn’t be so daunting if his brother worked on his fears surrounding them. They’d never find out though, as long as Klaus continued obsessively running from sobriety. Ben supposed he didn’t have much room to talk... his power literally killed him because he couldn’t find a way to control it. There had to be a better way than _this_ though, they shouldn’t know this EMT by name. The idea of Diego angrily cleaning up the vomit was amusing, Ben had to admit. He’d looked close to doing the overdose’s job and killing Klaus himself when he started choking on puke. “Leave him alone.” Ben curtly commanded of a fellow ghost, who was wailing about getting murderous revenge on their elder brother. He was evil anyway, Ben remembered that mission. “This is exactly why he stabbed you, Ronaldo.”

**Author's Note:**

> I remember when I was writing these “Jesus Diego, he looks like a colander!” came into my head randomly and I was like omg gotta find a storyline for that lmfao


End file.
